Its strange when you look at yourself not from the inside but as a third person. Not as what you want to be perceived as but as how others perceive you anyway. I have unconciously always wanted to be the center of a conversation. I guess early on I figured out that I cannot be the "speaker" in a group, so I settled for being the "speakee". i am the happiest when I am around people who are talking about me. It doesn't matter if they are making fun or even laughing at me as long as it has me in it. Well, this is how I wanted to be perceived.
The other day, actually night, I had this experience wherein I wasn't in me. Sounds stupid. It kinda is. I was looking at myself in suspension. Good opportunity to figure out who I am, right? Thats exactly what I did. I realized that I have matured a lot over the past year. I know, mature is a very generic term which could mean a multitude of things, the most obvious of it is that I have begun to understand the meaning of life, the universe and everything. Not exactly. I figured out the smaller, teeny tiny things are the ones which have matured me in a way. Like the fact that I know I like flowers, which in my childhood and adolesence I didn't, because I might be perceived as a girly girl, which I was trying to avoid, because I wanted to project an image of self awareness and confidence, which I thought could only be acheived by acting unlike other girls around me, who liked flowers! So, in essence, I did not never hate flowers, I just avoided what they represented for me. I have matured. But only just so.
I want to run after a passing train and try to catch it. I want to do it in a parallel universe. But in this particular one, where I currently am, I want to just sit on the platform and observe the train pass me by, without the slightest sense of urgency that I am feeling now. That would be perfect day for me. The perfect world. The perfect life.
