The more I dwell on it, the more I feel like I belong in India. After all, it is the one place I can call as mine. I've had an identity crisis since a very early age. Being born and bought up in Kuwait, for the longest time I did not know how to answer the simple question - where are you from? Most times the answer I give to this question is highly dependent on my mood or the intention of the questioner. For example, when I moved to India for my undergraduate education, I'd answer Kuwait to seniors - mainly to protect myself from ragging. You know, its an unwritten rule in Indian colleges that seniors from a particular state can rag juniors from their state only. So I assumed it was safe for me to say Kuwait - as the probability of encountering a senior from Kuwait was low. When my classmates would ask me the same question - I would reply either Delhi, Mumbai or Gujarat. The reason for this is that I did not want to be alienated as that snob NRI from Kuwait (that's the common perception - sometimes rightly so, of NRI kids).
This identity crisis followed me to grad school too. Here, it got easier for me, but confused a lot of people from other nationalities. Many would have the strangest responses and reactions to me telling them I am from Kuwait. They'd coyly respond that I looked very 'Indian'! That's when I would have to clarify that I do indeed hold an Indian passport.
All of these multiple identities made it very difficult for me to figure out where exactly I was from and where was it that I would be the happiest living. I always figured that I would not mind moving to different cities across the world given that I had a third culture upbringing.
After many months of introspection, I came to realize that India is the only place I would want to be. Let me try to explain this. This may seem like the kind of conclusion one could come up with in seconds. For me, India has always been a place for amazing summer vacations - I'd visit relatives (living in their houses) and go to new places (hill stations being the preferred choice) and live in hotels. This system made it impossible for me to consider one particular city as 'home'. My parents did have an apartment but I never got to stay in it (its still unfurnished and in total disarray).
Furthermore, my undergraduate education took place in a college town far away from the aforementioned cities I could call home. Initially, I thought of the situation as a wonderful opportunity - I could literally choose a city I liked and make it my home. In some ways, it still is just that. But as people who know me will vouch - I am extremely indecisive. Making a decision that could potentially impact the rest of my life is something I instinctively run away from.
These past few days, I have had a chance to think about the reality of my future. Previously I would fantasize it to unimaginable bounds. Starting a job and looking forward to a certain kind of life has made me narrow down my possibilities and choices to concrete workable options.
The only uncertainty (which I kinda embrace) is me wanting to study further. But even including this option (this could only happen after a sure 3-4 years or work), I would still like to move back to India and finally give it the attention and respect that it deserves.
